Tuesday 26 March 2024

The Night Stalker (1972) - TV movies are not normally this good

In film-making terms the phrase 'made for TV' always brings up images of a low-budget movie with a sub-standard script and nothing really to elevate it to the heights of its theatrically-released 'betters.' It seems that whatever you read online about 'The Night Stalker' it seems to mention how it was made for TV and never released in a cinema - probably because it's actually pretty good and at least worthy of a small commercial release - especially around horror festivals and the like.

It's about vampires.  And whether you've seen films regarding that particular fictional nasty for decades, or you're new to the genre, this one ticks every cliche going - and yet is also enormous fun at the same time.  It kind of reminded me of 'Jaws' only with a human rather than a fish.  In the same way the chief of police was running around trying to convince people of the impending shark attacks, only to be met with a wall of disbelief from the powers that be, here we have a grumpy journalist trying to warn the police of the undead threat that is currently stalking the streets of Las Vegas, picking off unsuspecting women and draining them of their blood.

Don't expect too many great special effects or action-packed set-pieces, but it comes in at a tight runtime of less than the usual ninety minutes and makes the most of every second.  The ghoul who is chewing on so many young, innocent necks is actually quite creepy and the reporter on his trail is likable in his gruffness.  It may be a little cheesy by today's standards, but it's great fun if you're into this sort of film.

7/10 if I woke up on Groundhog Day and had to watch this again, I could live with that

Sunday 24 March 2024

Communion (1989) - Probably better 'pre X-files'

For those of you not glued to your TV screens every week in the nineties, 'The X-files' was a weekly show about two FBI agents who investigated the paranormal and, in particular, alien abductions.  It ran for many seasons and, as the popularity began to wane, even became a little 'self-referential.' One of the lead actors states that 'alien abductions' have become to common in popular lore, that if you ask most people they'll be able to describe such an event.

Even my mum, who used to walk in and out of the room when I was watching the antics of Scully and Mulder, could probably tell you that thin, grey creatures with big black eyes whisked you up to their flying saucer and stuck implements up your... anyway, what I'm saying is that pretty much everyone knows what a stereotypical 'alien abduction' is comprised of.

However, back in 1989 before 'The X-files' made the genre so mainstream, you may not have been aware of this 'phernomanon.' And, because of this, 'Communion' may have actually been quite scary.  Sadly, looking back at it from the far-flung future of 2024, it offers absolutely nothing new - let alone scary.

Yes, Christopher Walken is as watchable as ever, but, apart from him as the man at the centre of the alien abductions, it doesn't offer anything you probably haven't seen before.  Apparently, it's based on a 'true' story.  Whether you believe this sort of activity is 'true' or not is up to you.  Personally, I see this film as either 'entertaining' or not.  And, in my opinion, it's not that good.

Assuming you're not looking to watch roughly ten seasons of 'The X-files' to get a grip on what aliens have in store for us, if you're simply looking for another film that covers all this the I would recommend 'Fire in the Sky.' It's also supposed to be based on a 'real' encounter.  Again, I won't say whether that's accurate or not, but it sure is certainly more creepy than 'Communion.' 

I read online that Christopher Walken laughed when he saw the aliens' masks.  I can't blame him.  They're hardly in the same league as John Carpenter's classic 'The Thing' in terms of gruesomeness.  The creatures' features don't move and therefore come across as little more than the rubber masks they actually are.

Overall, if you've never seen anything on alien abductions then this movie may offer the odd chill here and there and Walken is as good value for money as ever, but, apart from that, there's little here to recommend.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Friday 22 March 2024

I Saw What You Did (1988) - Good concept, slow execution

Did I enjoy the TV movie 'I Saw What You Did?' Yeah, it was okay.  In fact, there were some very nice moments - like the concept - kind of simple really in an almost 'Hitchcock-esque' style.  Three young girls, while bored at a sleepover, play a prank phone call on a stranger.  However, they get more than they bargained for when it turns out the stranger in question is a little more on the homicidal scale than your average prank-victim.

It's a set-up for a pretty good thriller; it's only flaw is that it never seems to get going.  The first half is effectively built up.  Yes, you certainly get to know the trio of girls and you get to know a fair bit about the life of the man who is going to be the central antagonist (plus you get David Carradine thrown in there for good measure - or a pay cheque).  But it takes so long for their paths to cross - and therefore any major tension, that most of the film has gone by.

You can see what's coming a mile off in terms of the overall premise of the story, so you just want to get on to the 'high stakes' element of the film.  However, even at the midway point where the two groups interact, it all fizzles out again and everyone goes their separate ways.

It's not until literally the final act until the tension is really utilised.  Like I say, it's not a terrible movie, but I just felt it could have been better and - perhaps worse still - I really wanted it to be better and a little faster paced.  I guess there are those who will appreciate the 'slow burn' of it all and, for those, I'm glad there are those out there who could like it more for what it was.

I guess if you're in the mood for something that's 90% build-up and only a little bit 'thrilling' then this is certainly the one for you.  Just know what you're in for before you sit down.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Sunday 17 March 2024

Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1995) - Nineties predictions of the future of the internet

I remember when the original 'Lawnmower Man' film came out.  There was quite a lot of hype surrounding it.  Not only was it based on a Stephen King book, but it was also the first film that heavily relied on virtual reality (I don't think the original 'Tron' counted!).  However, it never really set the Box Office ablaze as many thought it should.  It just kind of faded out of the public consciousness, so any sequel that came after was always destined to be a 'straight to video' affair.

I'm not really sure why this film was made.  It's a bit of a 'nothing-burger' really.  And, not only does it effectively fall flat at every turn, but it also ignores much of what happened in the original.  A group of generic nineties bad guys in suits have brought Jobe (the guy who mowed lawns in the first movie, before he got a 'cyberspace upgrade' and tried to take over the world) back to life and now he wants to get into cyberspace to take over the world?  Hang on, didn't he achieve that in the first one?  Never mind.  Now, discount version of the original's star Pierce Brosnan must team up with the kid from 'Last Action Hero' and stop him.

I guess I should point out that, due to the story's content, a lot of computer special effects are needed for the plot - and, believe it or not, they don't look that bad.

Single compliment over - the rest of the tale is just bland.  If you - like most people - haven't already forgotten the first 'Lawnmower Man' then you'll definitely forget this one.  About the main fun you can have with it is laughing at how you can now apply modern day internet technology (and the fears surrounding being online) to the villainous plots the bad guys had in this film.  Wouldn't it be terrible if people when online all over the world and ended up feeling 'disconnected' with their fellow real humans?  Thanks, social media.  And wouldn't it be terrible if you went online and had to hand over all your private details for using this website or that.  Thanks, cookies.

Anyway, taking the tragically depressing irony aside, there's not much here worth recommending.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Saturday 16 March 2024

Dead Space (1991) - Warning: Do no eat Walter White

There are some sci-fi films like 'Star Wars, Aliens' and 'Terminator 2' - all created before (or in) 1991.  All of which are timeless and even look better than some movies and TV shows today.  So, if they could produce something so great, you'd think that other movies could at least try and get a little bit close to their look and feel.

It's effectively an 'Alien' rip-off, i.e. a giant monster running round a space base (instead of the Nostromo spaceship) and gradually killing off the cast one by one.  Only, instead of Sigourney Weaver running around with a cat and a flamethrower, you have Marc Singer ('V' and 'Beastmaster') wielding a puny pistol while protecting a crew of expendables dressed in true nineties wardrobe, plus an early role from Walter White himself, Bryan Cranston (who - believe it or not - manages to actually turn in a good performance with the dire script he's given).

Don't get me wrong.  I enjoyed 'Dead Space.' And, just to prove it, I'm going to basically list all (well, nearly all - there are probably quite a few I've forgotten) the things wrong with it.

It looks cheap.  The sets are all just darkened rooms that could be the drama hall in your local senior school, just with added smoke to hide the lack of details sets.

The monster looks good.  It's practical effects, but the problem is that the puppeteers don't seem to know how best to make it move.  Therefore when it's on screen and shown in all its glory, it's sort of anchored to a wall with only its limbs flailing, meaning characters have to actually run towards it and let it catch them, rather than be mercilessly pursued by it.

The script is basically what you'd expect from a first-time film-studies student would write.  There's nothing new and only the better actors - or should that be just ACTOR - Bryan Cranston - can make work.

The 'droid' is goofy.  Again, he mask actually looks okay, but when he stands up you can clearly see it's just a man in an - albeit decent - mask.

Much of the gore is ripped from 'Alien' with the obligatory 'chestbursting' scene.

So, with all this that's wrong with it, why did I like it?  Because it's dumb, cheesy and generally fun.  It's not really self-knowing, but it's just a relic of a bygone age and, if you're in the mood for - yet another - 'Alien' rip-off, then this one will kill an hour and a half (or if you just want to see what Bryan Cranston had to do to earn a living before he hit the big time in 'Breaking Bad' then this is amusing).

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights

Monday 11 March 2024

Island Claws (1980) - If you do spot a crab... you must have better eyesight than me

I always feel bad when I rip on a B-movie.  Most of the films in my DVD collection involve daft rubbery monsters and screaming victims.  It's safe to say I don't consider myself to have a 'high bar' in terms of the movies I like and, as long as they can entertain me in one way or another, then I'm happy.

'Island Claws' is about a swarm of killer crabs on an island.  Now, I've seen plenty of normal animals, always mutated to giant levels, stalking various hapless residents.  So, when that's your kind of thing, killer crabs actually sound like fun.

Only there's no actual kills for roughly the first forty-five minutes and, I know the production budget isn't huge, but you'll see where it's been spent on when it comes to our clawed antagonists.  There's lots of them.  Some footage of real crabs has been interwoven with the anamatronic crabs created just for this.  And the puppet crabs look good.  In other words the look like regular crabs.  But I was kind of hoping for more.  Okay, so in the final act we got a - long overdue - giant crab, but there could have been at least one who shoots laser beams from his eye stalks, or something.  Did I expect too much?

So the side-crawlers aren't up to much, but I guess they're a little more interesting than the humans who run around in the dark trying not to get their toes pinched by these clawed menaces.

In short, not much happens.  Yes, it's a B-movie, so most of us don't expect Oscar-worthy performances, but, for all its eighties cheesiness, it's just not that fun to watch.  I know remakes are often looked down on, but this is the rare occasion where I'd actually like to see one.  Killer crabs is a good - but completely - silly, idea.  So if it was done with a slightly higher budget and a script which knows it's tongue-in-cheek then you could actually be left with something that's quite fun.

4/10 You can watch this film while you're doing the ironing (you'll still get the general gist of it)

Saturday 9 March 2024

Alien From L.A. (1988) - What actually happens?

Do you ever watch a film and really want to enjoy it a lot more than you actually did?  In 'Alien From L.A.' I'm certain there's a good movie in there somewhere, but it seems to not know what to do with its own idea.  It's about a geeky teenage girl from L.A. who, while looking for her missing scientist-father, falls through the Earth's core into the sub-terrainian world of 'Atlantis.' Yes, the plot is a little far-fetched, but this was the eighties and there were many a tale from that era which you had to suspend your disbelief to truly get the most out of.

Now, I don't know whether I'm being unfair on the version of the film I watched (it was on a streaming service and therefore not a 'bought' copy such as DVD or Blu-ray), but there was something really wrong with the sound.  The dialogue was really hard to hear while the soundtrack blared out, obscuring what few words I could actually make out.

If that wasn't bad enough, the main character has an annoying voice.  And, no, I'm not just being cruel to the actress (who's actually a model in real life!) who plays her - it's part of the story and many characters remark on it.  And they're not wrong.  It's the vocal version of 'nails on a chalkboard.'

But it's not all bad.  The sets and the costumes found within the mysterious underground world are pretty well done, plus the direction and shots make the most of the sets and give off a nicely dystopian environment.

And so our squeaky protagonist must find her father and avoid the authorities who are looking for the titular 'alien' among their population.  And she sort of does that, meandering from one close encounter with those trying to stop her to the next.  Rinse and repeat.

Therefore, not an awful not a lot happens and that's the film's biggest crime.  What could have been a nice, cheesy eighties family adventure becomes little more than a slog with some nice sets (and a badly-mixed audio track).

It's not terrible-terrible, certainly just about watchable, but it's just a shame that it probably should have been more of a cult classic than it actually was.

6/10 Should probably keep you awake if Freddy Krueger was haunting your nights